Seeing is Deceiving

“What Story Are You Telling Yourself?“

Perception is a funny thing. Our brain has lots of data coming in so it uses “shortcuts” that tell us the alleged truth of a situation. It’s how our primordial brain worked to keep us alive. We had to be able to quickly assess a situation to determine if it was dangerous. But sometimes our brain is wrong.

There’s a story that was told by a young army officer who was attending a mindfulness training class to reduce stress. After one of his classes, he went to the grocery store. Lines were long and he just wanted to get home. He was finally second in line and he saw the end in sight when the woman in front of him began chatting with the cashier. Mildly irritated, but hopeful that she would move on, she then took the baby she was carrying out of the carrier and passed her to the cashier, who began cooing over the child. As his anger rose, he started using his mindfulness training, becoming aware of the tightness in his body. He did the deep breathing exercises he learned and, just as he felt his blood pressure reduce, the woman paid her bill, took the baby, and moved on. As he stepped up to the cashier, he mentioned that the baby was cute. “Oh, did you think so? He is my baby,” she said. “His father was in the military and was killed last winter. Now I have to work full time, but my mother tries to bring him in once or twice a day so I can see him.”

If I learned anything this year, it was how wrong I can be in judging others as well as situations, as the army officer in the story. I am quick to make assumptions about people, many times not based on reality at all, but on my own learned biases. Since I have become aware of this, I have been working to become free of my misperceptions and retrain my brain to see the truth of a situation. I have also delved into bias, why we are this way, and how we can change.

If you have a brain, you are inherently selfish and biased. It’s about self-preservation and biology so your bias will always favor you and those most like you. Bias gets further solidified by the images we see in the media. To really cement our beliefs, we tend to search for information that confirms our beliefs rather than goes against them. We also tend to fight against what we think we know to maintain the status quo. Sometimes, we would prefer to maintain the current state of things rather than to do what is right, because it is easier and more comfortable.

So, how do we “retrain” our brains to see the truth versus our deluded perceptions? We can start by being more mindful about what we feed our brain and search for healthier media outlets. Just as we eat a healthy diet of food to nourish our bodies, what we feed our brains is just as important. We can start listening to what people who are not like us talk about. This requires truly listening, and not thinking about why they are wrong the entire time they are speaking. Most importantly, we need to be open and curious: Willing to notice when we might not have all of the facts. Changing thoughts we have had our entire lives is hard. Realizing that the castle we have built for ourselves is not as shiny as we thought is rough. It will not be an easy road, but living in truth, rather than in defensiveness and denial, is truly freeing.

Try this practice: On a day you are in a good mood, intentionally look for the inner nobility and dignity of three people. How does this affect your interaction with them? How did your initial immediate perception of them change by the time you left the conversation? Continue to do this on days where your mood allows you to be open to it. Include strangers and difficult people. Do this until your heart learns to appreciate everyone you meet. Let me know how it goes. I bet if we circle back on this one year from now, we will have a much healthier view of the world and our fellow man. Let’s try it!

-The Strong Stumbler